Dear Pregnancy Body: It’s not me- it’s you, it’s totally, totally you

Dear Pregnancy Body:

I’ve tried to make this work. I didn’t cry when I was forced into my maternity jeans pretty much a week after conception. Instead, I embraced the opportunity to enjoy more time with my good buddy the elastic waist. I played it cool when the internet was a buzz with photos of the insanely fit 8 months pregnant woman who still has six pack abs. Well, I thought, every body is different. We all have our own challenges.

Despite my efforts to stay focused on what’s really important here, Pregnancy Body, if it were biologically possible, I would say it’s time to start seeing other people.

There are the expected challenges I knew were coming – you stole my best friend (wine), play mind games (how many times will you cause my brain to forget where I parked), and this isn’t my first rodeo so I know what I have to look forward to (shh- let’s not talk about the hemorrhoids).

I can roll with these- but where is my glow and luscious thick hair? I didn’t get these the first two times around but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t hoping third times the charm. Instead, you’ve given my chin a fresh batch of hormone induced whiskers.

Obviously, my belly is ever expanding but did you have to make my a** grow in equal proportion?

I have maintained regular exercise and eaten (generally) responsibly (the decrease in wine calories alone should count for something). Apparently, my efforts have fallen on deaf thighs.

You and I have been here before. This is my third and likely last pregnancy. I knew what I was getting into. I’ve tried to stay positive and “embrace the journey” as they say. But you have to give me something. How about cool it on the back rolls? Those are really not necessary to this process- you’re just being mean.

I love you but some days you make it really hard.

Denim belly

That time last week at spin class I had to wear a denim button down that won’t button down over my belly because I forgot my tank top…


P.S. Hey there, Post-Pregnancy Body, you’ve been warned.


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