Thankfully, I have very little in common with Kim Kardashian- I have not made a sex tape (yet- I can’t guarantee what will happen when my mid-life crisis hits), generally speaking an increase in my posterior has not resulted in an increase in my popularity, I know what a book is- but there is one thing- Kim and I both live with Kanye West. My Kanye just happens to be four. In the first of a series, we explore my little Kanye’s unsolicited and unhelpful commentary on my appearance.
Zero filter, unwavering belief in her own talents and those of her friends (“Mom, Imma let you finish, but Ella made one of the best egg carton crafts of all time”) and as I’m sure Kim can relate to, constant passive aggressive attempts to control my appearance. At least Kim gets her fashion “mentorship” from someone who has actually sat next to Anna Wintour at a fashion week and knows Beyoncé- my Kanye still has to wear pull ups at night and follows the fashion mantra: “If you’re not wearing stripes with polka dots and animal print all at the same time, it’s just not working”. A round up of her most recent helpful insights:
“If the baby is the size of an avocado, why is your belly the size of a watermelon?”
“I guess you were in too much of a rush to shower today?”
“So Dad’s older than you but you have more grey hair? Interesting.”
“Will you always be too tired to put on real pants?”
“You look really pretty. Except for that lipstick. Whoa. That is way too much red.”
“Oh- you tried to do an Elsa braid. As a grown up. Huh.”
“You have two holes in your pants. I hope you didn’t go downtown like that.”
“I noticed sometimes you forget to wear one of those bra things.”
Coming Soon- Part 2: What do you mean you’re not the butler?