How to train cats on meth: A mom’s guide

There is no other way to understand my futile attempts to get my family out of the house for some designated “fun” activity on the weekend than to imagine what it would be like to herd a bunch of uncooperative, distracted cats who: (a) had meth for breakfast; and (b) think you are the absolute worst for suggesting that they put on pants before going outside (seriously- THE WORST).

Me: Okay, guys, we have to leave in 10 minutes.

I am invisible. Zero response from other family members. I continue the mad scramble to grab diaper, wipes, iPad, juice boxes, sippy cup, bribery candy, favourite blankie, “Chill Pills” herbal supplement, flask….whatever I can use to MacGyver/MacGruber my way out of some disaster that will inevitably find us once we leave the house…

Me: Okay, guys we have to leave in 5 minutes.

4 year old: Dad- can you build a fort in the playroom?

Me: What?

2 year old: Yay! Fort! Me too! Me too!

Me: We’re leaving.

Husband: I think we have time for a fort.

Me: NO FORTS! Who has socks?

4 year old: Uggh, I hate socks.

2 year old (singing): La, la, la- no socks, no socks, no socks.

Husband: Where are their socks?

Me: In the sock drawer.

Husband: Which one?

Me: The SAME one we’ve used for the last 4 years!!

Husband: Why are you upset? It’s Saturday.

Me: I wish you were all in a fort.

2 year old: Yay! Fort! Me too! Me too!

Me: Please, can someone just put their shoes on?

2 year old (grabbing 4 year old’s boots): These are mine! My boots! My boots! Help please!

Me (realizing husband has resumed his position on the couch): WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Husband: Are we leaving? I thought you were still getting ready.


Me: Did you put on your socks?

4 year old stares blankly.

Me: We’re so late.

4 year old: We’re late for the park?

Me: Yes!

4 year old: But you still have your pyjamas on.

Me: These are leggings!

2 year old (hurling shoes out of the hall closet): Hah hah! Mommy’s pyjamas!

4 year old (to 2 year old): Uggh, you really smell.

2 year old: I pooping!

Me: That’s it. We’re not going. You can all stay home.

4 year old: Dad- we can build a fort now.

2 year old (throwing a red boot in my general direction): Yay! Fort! Me too! Me too!

Sorry- you thought this was actually going to be useful tips or a training guide? I don’t have those. Do you? Because I could really use the help. My only suggestion: as soon as you can, drink wine.

Right after I abandoned them in a parking lot... #nojudgement

Right after I abandoned them in a parking lot… #nojudgement


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