There comes a time in the third trimester when the comparison of your baby to a piece of fruit is no longer as compelling as it once was because THE FREELOADER IS STILL LOITERING IN THERE AND YOU ARE SO OVER IT…this time seems to correspond with every stranger demanding to know “How far along are you?”. Triple sigh. Eye roll. I. Can’t. Even.

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  1. Bedtime is at 7:30. Unless there is a hockey game on tv- then bedtime is whatever time is the most convenient time between periods.
  2. The answer when your kid complains about dinner is always, “Do you need more ketchup with it?”.
  3. Size labels in children’s clothing are a scam. If you can get the shirt physically on your kid, it fits.
  4. There are lots of things mom never needs to know (probably 80% of your parenting fits in this category). Evie Dave tailgate
  5. There is no boo boo which cannot be handled with the remnants of a 5 year old tube of Polysporin and bubble gum ice cream.
  6. If your kid falls off the monkey bars, they are probably not old enough for the monkey bars. Try again next weekend.
  7. Mom’s “Elaborate System of Keeping Toy Bins Organized” only needs to be followed on Mother’s Day, her birthday and possibly Christmas.
  8. Ensuring your kid is wearing socks that match their clothes is a “nice to do”, not a “need to do”.
  9. Getting all of the snot out of your kid’s nose is never, ever worth the effort.
  10. Why pay to get your kid’s haircut? Anyone can do it- all you need are scissors and a lollipop.

Evie haircut

 

 

 

 

Belle

Fabulous dress! The Wardrobe really outdid herself with this one! Mine’s a total knock-off.

By the way, your “fairy tale ending” involved a relationship with someone who imprisoned  you and your father and inflicted a significant amount of emotional trauma on you both. Given your clear love of books and learning which seemed to play a large role in your childhood, do you ever feel that marrying your captor restricted your ability to pursue your education, thereby limiting your professional opportunities?

We need to talk about how to get such perfect ringlets all the time! #askhermore

Belle

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8:00 a.m.: We enter Disneyland fresh faced and eager despite the pouring rain. We have a plan of attack based on substantial online research- we are armed with apps with maps, a well-stocked snack bag and a perfectly organized backpack. We are going to nail this mission.

Battle gear ready…it was not enough to protect us…

So young. So inexperienced. So naïve.

The happiest place on earth? Where is that place? I want to go to that place. My Disney tour of duty is a hell of plastic rain ponchos, wet sneakers and pooping children.

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http://vancouvermom.ca has released their list of Top 30 Vancouver “Mom” Blogs for 2015 and Kid Hangover’s rants about the dark underbelly of parenting have made the list! Voting for #1 is now open. You can vote once a week until May 31 so follow the link below to get your vote on and spread the word:

http://vancouvermom.ca/feature/vote-for-your-favourite-vancouver-mom-blogger-of-2015/

P.S. It’s an honor just to be nominated, but isn’t winning great, too?

Five years ago today, you were born- two hours before my first Mother’s Day. You broke my vagina and my breasts still wonder why they now live two feet lower than they used to. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

What exactly have we gotten ourselves into here?

“What have we gotten ourselves into here?” they said in unison…

I often look at you and am struck at what an amazing person you are growing into. How could someone who is so young already seem to know more than I do? Then I see you pick your nose again for the tenth time in an hour and I realize we still have a lot of work to do.

Technically, I became a parent the day you were born, but those first few months all I had to do was keep you alive. Peanuts. The hard part came after when I realized that, in addition to figuring out what “baby-led weaning” is, Googling “photos of weird baby rashes” multiple times and agonising over whether giving you milk at 11 months 29 days rather than 12 months would forever compromise your immune system, I also have to “parent” you to become a good human. I’m pretty sure that despite my lack of parenting skills, you will not become a sociopathic killer- that just seems to be setting the bar a little low. I’d like to aim higher.

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You awake in the middle of the night with the strange sensation that someone is watching you. Ghostly whispers linger in the air. The covers are slowly being pulled back and you feel the start of methodical finger tapping on your shoulder. Terror grips your chest because you know what is coming…just don’t turn around….don’t open your eyes….

It’s 3 am and your child is standing beside the bed. Staring. Lurking. Waiting to pounce.

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Full disclosure: I am not a good traveller. You know that person behind you on the plane complaining that the flight attendants never leave the entire can of Diet Coke and sighing dramatically when you don’t get your overhead luggage out fast enough? That’s me. I do not like line ups, taking my shoes off, being told where to sit, line ups, food in a box, people asking me questions, line ups….pretty much everything involved with modern travel. Going through the Chicago airport several years ago, my husband pretended he didn’t know me after overhearing a TSA officer mutter “B*tch” under her breath when I went through her lane ahead of him. He loves me unconditionally, just not in airports (and most ferries)- then I’m on my own.

So here are some tips for travelling with kids from someone who probably shouldn’t be allowed to travel at all.

1. Don’t travel with your kids.

Seriously- just don’t do it. It can be terrible. Tears, lost toys, forgotten essentials…even if you have fun once you get there, you still have to get back home.

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Hey there, Pinterest!

Hope I’m not interrupting you from DIY’ing a coach house out of recycled pallets and hand dyed yarn or learning a new braiding technique that is SO EASY.

I just wanted to say thank you for your helpful email today suggesting that I surprise my kids on April Fool’s Day by making a miniature breakfast out of a small quail’s egg and cocktail bread. I was just wondering to myself- what am I going to do with all those bloody quail eggs in my fridge? And of course I have cocktail bread on hand- who doesn’t have that sitting around for impromptu household happy hour?

I’ll just grab that cocktail bread out of my (shockingly well organized and completely labelled with calligraphy and chalk) pantry after I finish icing this rainbow cake which required me to bake and assemble 8 different layers of colored batter- that’s been a super fun 17 hours! My kids may have gone missing while I made this cake but they are really going to love it if I find them!

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Thankfully, I have very little in common with Kim Kardashian- I have not made a sex tape (yet- I can’t guarantee what will happen when my mid-life crisis hits), generally speaking an increase in my posterior has not resulted in an increase in my popularity, I know what a book is- but there is one thing- Kim and I both live with Kanye West.  My Kanye just happens to be four. In the first of a series, we explore my little Kanye’s unsolicited and unhelpful commentary on my appearance.

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