Please Stop Talking: What My Kids Said Today

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I swear, they get all of this from their father…

November 5, 2016

The Threenager (seeing her first urinal): But Mom- how does this weird sink work?

October 22, 2016

Me (to The Threenager who has just stubbed her toy): Oh sweetie! Would a little bit of chocolate help?

The Threenager: NOOO!!!… (Pause)… But a big bit would…

October 17, 2016

6 year old (to The Threenager who is in costume): So, Evie-

The Threenager: I am not Evie! I am Coronation Princess Anna!

6 year old: Okay, “Coronation Princess Anna”, may I please speak to Evie?

The Threenager: Yes, but quickly- she’s very busy.

October 8, 2016

Me (to The Threenager who is in Paw Patrol costume): Evie- Madden asked you to be a bit quieter-

The Threenager: I’m not Evie! I’m ZUMA!

Me: Okay, Zuma- Madden asked you to be a bit quieter.

The Threenager: Zuma doesn’t know any Madden…

October 6, 2016

6 year old (on Thanksgiving): So, how does killing a turkey show we are thankful?

September 29, 2016

Me (to The Threenager): Goodnight- I love you infinities times infinities times infinities.

The Threenager: I love you like five times.

September 24, 2016

Me (discovering clay jammed in a Paw Patrol figure): What happened?

The Threenager: It was an accident.

6 year old: It was not an accident!

Me (to the Threenager): Do you know what an accident is?

The Threenager: When Mom finds out!

September 17, 2016

Me (to The Threenager): Okay- one more story and then it is STRAIGHT to bed!

The Threenager: I’m going to ZIG ZAG!

September 16, 2016

Me (to The Threenager): What was your favourite part of skating today?

The Threenager: Taking my skates off!

August 15, 2016

The Threenager: You are very beautiful, Mom.

Me: Thank you… but you are not getting a Rice Krispie square until after dinner.

Threenager: Oh Man! Nothing ever works!

July 27, 2016

Me (to The Threenager): Did you just try and bite your sister?

The Threenager (shaking her head solemnly): Mom- biting is very serious and wrong. (Extended pause) But yes- I probably did.

July 12, 2016

Me (to The Threenager): Are you going to get dressed now?

(The Threenager sighs dramatically)

Me: Is that a yes?

The Threenager: That’s a “I’m watching my shows- I’ll talk about it later”…

July 10, 2016

Me (to The Threenager): Why don’t you have your pyjamas on?

The Threenager: Because that’s RULES. I break rules.

June 27, 2016

The Threenager: Mom- I kind of want to save my nap for later.

June 23, 2016

The Threenager: Am I the best character in your life, Mom?

May 13, 2016

Me: It makes me sad to think of you growing up and not living with us anymore.

6 year old: Don’t worry, Mom- I’ll probably live with you for most of my life. Things are expensive!

April 18, 2016

The Threenager (explaining the whereabouts of a recently deceased fish): Goldie lives in the toilet now.

January 24, 2016

Me (to almost 3 year old): Well, could you try saying something nice about Mom?

Almost 3 year old: You look like a turtle.

January 23, 2016

Me (hugging almost 3 year old): Awww! Who is your favourite Mom in the whole world?

Almost 3 year old: Dad.

January 22, 2016

5 year old (to me): I’m telling Dad.

Me: Dad has no authority over me.

5 year old: Well, I have authority over both of you… (Pause)…actually, I don’t really know what authority means….

January 15, 2016

Me (to almost 3 year old): That’s the baby’s toy. You need to give it back to him.

Almost 3 year old: I’ll give it back when he says “please”….

December 26, 2015

Almost 3 year old: I wish Dad was my Mom.

November 21, 2015

Me: You guys- your brother is exactly 3 months old today!

2 year old: Don’t eat the baby yet, Mom.

November 7, 2015

Me: It’s time for bed. We can watch the rest of Cinderella tomorrow.

5 year old: Okay- I’m just going to tell you this one little thing that happens- everyone tries on the glass slipper but it only fits Cinderella so the Prince finds her.

November 5, 2015

Me: How was school today?

5 year old: So awesome! My teacher told me I could take home whatever I wanted from the recycling bin.

November 3, 2015

5 year old: My teacher told us we are not allowed to ask the people playing the bagpipes at our Remembrance Day assembly how old they are. I think that means they are really old.

October 24, 2015

5 year old: I’m going to turn off Disney Jr. so we can talk about whether you believe in God. I want to know, if God made the world, who made God?

Me: Just a second- I need more wine.

October 18, 2015

2 year old: Oooh, Mom- come smell my poop!

October 17, 2015

5 year old (to her Dad): I can’t look after you and Mom when you’re old because I’ll be too busy building a time machine.

October 2, 2015

2 year old (in response to be asked why she would pee on the floor when the potty was two feet away): It’s convenient.

September 5, 2015

5 year old: I wish there was an app to turn fake money into real money…

September 3, 2015

5 year old: I’m not going to have a baby when I grow up.

Me: That’s fine. Why?

5 year old: I don’t want kids running all over my house.

September 2, 2015

2 year old (on her brand new baby brother): He is cute and soft and fuzzy. I like to pet him. He only eats belly milk. Can she be a girl now?

September 1, 2015

5 year old (to 2 year old): I have my eye on you.

2 year old (to 5 year old): Well, I have two eyes. Actually.

August 7, 2015

Me (to 2 year old): Do we need to wash ice cream off your hands?

2 year old: Nope- I licked them all better!

July 30, 2015

Me (to 2 year old): You will not have any blueberry crisp if you keep slamming the door. It’s that simple.

2 year old: Nothing’s simple, Mom.

July 29, 2015

2 year old: This chair is keeping the floor off of me, Mom.

July 19, 2015

2 year old (as we drive by McDonald’s): There’s the Happy Meal Store!

July 10, 2015

2 year old (to 5 year old): Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

(2 year old and 5 year old laugh hysterically)

Me (runs to pantry to hide)

June 29, 2015

2 year old (to me as I head for a bath): Don’t poop in the bathtub, Mom.

5 year old (to 2 year old): You are the only one in the family who needs that advice.

June 10, 2015

5 year old (to 2 year old): I’m going to the playroom.

2 year old (to 5 year old): Don’t trust me by myself.

June 9, 2015

Me (to 5 year old): How was pre-school today?

5 year old: They have accepted me as the leader.

June 1, 2015

2 year old: Me first!

5 year old: Me first!

2 year old: No! MEEEE first!

Me: No one is allowed to say “me first” again today.

5 year old: I am first.

May 22, 2015

5 year old: Mom- are there classes for finding things?

Me: What do you mean?

5 year old: You’re always losing things. Maybe you need looking lessons.

May 13, 2015

2 year old (to 5 year old): I love you.

5 year old: You can show me you love me by cleaning up the mess in the playroom.

May 12, 2015

Me (to 5 year old): What are the princesses at Disneyland going to say if they see you pick your nose?

5 year old: I’m lucky.

May 11, 2015

Now 5 year old (to two year old after I have returned from a week away): Well, Mom’s going to make us follow the rules again now. Vacation’s over.

April 29, 2015

4 year old: Mom- what do you think we should get Dad for his birthday?

Me: I’m not sure.

4 year old: Well, it definitely shouldn’t be clothes because he just leaves those of the floor.

April 20, 2015

4 year old (to her friend): Well, we’ll just ask my Dad. He says yes to everything.

April 10, 2015

Me: It’s better to be prepared and on time than unprepared and late.

4 year old: That is a very grown up thing to say.

April 4, 2015

Me (to 4 year old after she overhead me swear while driving): I shouldn’t have said that. Don’t ever use that word.

4 year old: Don’t worry- I have better manners than other people in this family.

March 30, 2015

4 year old: Of course, I can’t finish all my dinner. Half of my stomach is for healthy food and half of it is for treats.

Me: That is not how stomachs work.

4 year old: I can’t tell you how ALL stomachs work- I can only tell you how MY stomach works.

March 29, 2015

4 year old (holding up my ripped magazine and shaking her head in disapproval): I’m sorry your other kid wrecked this. You should really talk to her.

March 25, 2015

4 year old: Oops, Mom- I think I got a little poo on my underwear.

2 year old (pointing at 4 year old): Hah hah! Poo!

4 year old: At least I’ve actually used a toilet before

March 23, 2015

Me (to 4 year old): Please clean your room.

4 year old (to 2 year old): Do you want to come with me and play “organize my toys”?

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