I swear, they get all of this from their father…
November 5, 2016
The Threenager (seeing her first urinal): But Mom- how does this weird sink work?
October 22, 2016
Me (to The Threenager who has just stubbed her toy): Oh sweetie! Would a little bit of chocolate help?
The Threenager: NOOO!!!… (Pause)… But a big bit would…
October 17, 2016
6 year old (to The Threenager who is in costume): So, Evie-
The Threenager: I am not Evie! I am Coronation Princess Anna!
6 year old: Okay, “Coronation Princess Anna”, may I please speak to Evie?
The Threenager: Yes, but quickly- she’s very busy.
October 8, 2016
Me (to The Threenager who is in Paw Patrol costume): Evie- Madden asked you to be a bit quieter-
The Threenager: I’m not Evie! I’m ZUMA!
Me: Okay, Zuma- Madden asked you to be a bit quieter.
The Threenager: Zuma doesn’t know any Madden…
October 6, 2016
6 year old (on Thanksgiving): So, how does killing a turkey show we are thankful?
September 29, 2016
Me (to The Threenager): Goodnight- I love you infinities times infinities times infinities.
The Threenager: I love you like five times.
September 24, 2016
Me (discovering clay jammed in a Paw Patrol figure): What happened?
The Threenager: It was an accident.
6 year old: It was not an accident!
Me (to the Threenager): Do you know what an accident is?
The Threenager: When Mom finds out!
September 17, 2016
Me (to The Threenager): Okay- one more story and then it is STRAIGHT to bed!
The Threenager: I’m going to ZIG ZAG!
September 16, 2016
Me (to The Threenager): What was your favourite part of skating today?
The Threenager: Taking my skates off!
August 15, 2016
The Threenager: You are very beautiful, Mom.
Me: Thank you… but you are not getting a Rice Krispie square until after dinner.
Threenager: Oh Man! Nothing ever works!
July 27, 2016
Me (to The Threenager): Did you just try and bite your sister?
The Threenager (shaking her head solemnly): Mom- biting is very serious and wrong. (Extended pause) But yes- I probably did.
July 12, 2016
Me (to The Threenager): Are you going to get dressed now?
(The Threenager sighs dramatically)
Me: Is that a yes?
The Threenager: That’s a “I’m watching my shows- I’ll talk about it later”…
July 10, 2016
Me (to The Threenager): Why don’t you have your pyjamas on?
The Threenager: Because that’s RULES. I break rules.
June 27, 2016
The Threenager: Mom- I kind of want to save my nap for later.
June 23, 2016
The Threenager: Am I the best character in your life, Mom?
May 13, 2016
Me: It makes me sad to think of you growing up and not living with us anymore.
6 year old: Don’t worry, Mom- I’ll probably live with you for most of my life. Things are expensive!
April 18, 2016
The Threenager (explaining the whereabouts of a recently deceased fish): Goldie lives in the toilet now.
January 24, 2016
Me (to almost 3 year old): Well, could you try saying something nice about Mom?
Almost 3 year old: You look like a turtle.
January 23, 2016
Me (hugging almost 3 year old): Awww! Who is your favourite Mom in the whole world?
Almost 3 year old: Dad.
January 22, 2016
5 year old (to me): I’m telling Dad.
Me: Dad has no authority over me.
5 year old: Well, I have authority over both of you… (Pause)…actually, I don’t really know what authority means….
January 15, 2016
Me (to almost 3 year old): That’s the baby’s toy. You need to give it back to him.
Almost 3 year old: I’ll give it back when he says “please”….
December 26, 2015
Almost 3 year old: I wish Dad was my Mom.
November 21, 2015
Me: You guys- your brother is exactly 3 months old today!
2 year old: Don’t eat the baby yet, Mom.
November 7, 2015
Me: It’s time for bed. We can watch the rest of Cinderella tomorrow.
5 year old: Okay- I’m just going to tell you this one little thing that happens- everyone tries on the glass slipper but it only fits Cinderella so the Prince finds her.
November 5, 2015
Me: How was school today?
5 year old: So awesome! My teacher told me I could take home whatever I wanted from the recycling bin.
November 3, 2015
5 year old: My teacher told us we are not allowed to ask the people playing the bagpipes at our Remembrance Day assembly how old they are. I think that means they are really old.
October 24, 2015
5 year old: I’m going to turn off Disney Jr. so we can talk about whether you believe in God. I want to know, if God made the world, who made God?
Me: Just a second- I need more wine.
October 18, 2015
2 year old: Oooh, Mom- come smell my poop!
October 17, 2015
5 year old (to her Dad): I can’t look after you and Mom when you’re old because I’ll be too busy building a time machine.
October 2, 2015
2 year old (in response to be asked why she would pee on the floor when the potty was two feet away): It’s convenient.
September 5, 2015
5 year old: I wish there was an app to turn fake money into real money…
September 3, 2015
5 year old: I’m not going to have a baby when I grow up.
Me: That’s fine. Why?
5 year old: I don’t want kids running all over my house.
September 2, 2015
2 year old (on her brand new baby brother): He is cute and soft and fuzzy. I like to pet him. He only eats belly milk. Can she be a girl now?
September 1, 2015
5 year old (to 2 year old): I have my eye on you.
2 year old (to 5 year old): Well, I have two eyes. Actually.
August 7, 2015
Me (to 2 year old): Do we need to wash ice cream off your hands?
2 year old: Nope- I licked them all better!
July 30, 2015
Me (to 2 year old): You will not have any blueberry crisp if you keep slamming the door. It’s that simple.
2 year old: Nothing’s simple, Mom.
July 29, 2015
2 year old: This chair is keeping the floor off of me, Mom.
July 19, 2015
2 year old (as we drive by McDonald’s): There’s the Happy Meal Store!
July 10, 2015
2 year old (to 5 year old): Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
(2 year old and 5 year old laugh hysterically)
Me (runs to pantry to hide)
June 29, 2015
2 year old (to me as I head for a bath): Don’t poop in the bathtub, Mom.
5 year old (to 2 year old): You are the only one in the family who needs that advice.
June 10, 2015
5 year old (to 2 year old): I’m going to the playroom.
2 year old (to 5 year old): Don’t trust me by myself.
June 9, 2015
Me (to 5 year old): How was pre-school today?
5 year old: They have accepted me as the leader.
June 1, 2015
2 year old: Me first!
5 year old: Me first!
2 year old: No! MEEEE first!
Me: No one is allowed to say “me first” again today.
5 year old: I am first.
May 22, 2015
5 year old: Mom- are there classes for finding things?
Me: What do you mean?
5 year old: You’re always losing things. Maybe you need looking lessons.
May 13, 2015
2 year old (to 5 year old): I love you.
5 year old: You can show me you love me by cleaning up the mess in the playroom.
May 12, 2015
Me (to 5 year old): What are the princesses at Disneyland going to say if they see you pick your nose?
5 year old: I’m lucky.
May 11, 2015
Now 5 year old (to two year old after I have returned from a week away): Well, Mom’s going to make us follow the rules again now. Vacation’s over.
April 29, 2015
4 year old: Mom- what do you think we should get Dad for his birthday?
Me: I’m not sure.
4 year old: Well, it definitely shouldn’t be clothes because he just leaves those of the floor.
April 20, 2015
4 year old (to her friend): Well, we’ll just ask my Dad. He says yes to everything.
April 10, 2015
Me: It’s better to be prepared and on time than unprepared and late.
4 year old: That is a very grown up thing to say.
April 4, 2015
Me (to 4 year old after she overhead me swear while driving): I shouldn’t have said that. Don’t ever use that word.
4 year old: Don’t worry- I have better manners than other people in this family.
March 30, 2015
4 year old: Of course, I can’t finish all my dinner. Half of my stomach is for healthy food and half of it is for treats.
Me: That is not how stomachs work.
4 year old: I can’t tell you how ALL stomachs work- I can only tell you how MY stomach works.
March 29, 2015
4 year old (holding up my ripped magazine and shaking her head in disapproval): I’m sorry your other kid wrecked this. You should really talk to her.
March 25, 2015
4 year old: Oops, Mom- I think I got a little poo on my underwear.
2 year old (pointing at 4 year old): Hah hah! Poo!
4 year old: At least I’ve actually used a toilet before
March 23, 2015
Me (to 4 year old): Please clean your room.
4 year old (to 2 year old): Do you want to come with me and play “organize my toys”?