Tag: kids

About six months ago, sitting on my couch two months post partum with baby #3 and feeling as though my entire life was only about cleaning poop and yelling things like “I SAID IT WAS BEDTIME 10 MINUTES AGO WHY IS NO ONE LISTENING I AM MOVING TO A HOTEL FOREVER SERIOUSLY NO MORE STORIES I JUST STEPPED ON CHEDDAR BUNNIES AGAIN NO MORE CHEDDAR BUNNIES WHY DOESN’T CALLIOU STOP WHINING THAT’S A BATHING SUIT NOT PYJAMAS BLARGH BLARGH BLARGH”, I made an ill-advised decision (and I know about ill-advised decisions- I had various perms from 1989 to 1995)- I decided to train for a marathon.

It seemed like a good idea at the time. Apparently, six years of perms taught me nothing.

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You awake in the middle of the night with the strange sensation that someone is watching you. Ghostly whispers linger in the air. The covers are slowly being pulled back and you feel the start of methodical finger tapping on your shoulder. Terror grips your chest because you know what is coming…just don’t turn around….don’t open your eyes….

It’s 3 am and your child is standing beside the bed. Staring. Lurking. Waiting to pounce.

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Full disclosure: I am not a good traveller. You know that person behind you on the plane complaining that the flight attendants never leave the entire can of Diet Coke and sighing dramatically when you don’t get your overhead luggage out fast enough? That’s me. I do not like line ups, taking my shoes off, being told where to sit, line ups, food in a box, people asking me questions, line ups….pretty much everything involved with modern travel. Going through the Chicago airport several years ago, my husband pretended he didn’t know me after overhearing a TSA officer mutter “B*tch” under her breath when I went through her lane ahead of him. He loves me unconditionally, just not in airports (and most ferries)- then I’m on my own.

So here are some tips for travelling with kids from someone who probably shouldn’t be allowed to travel at all.

1. Don’t travel with your kids.

Seriously- just don’t do it. It can be terrible. Tears, lost toys, forgotten essentials…even if you have fun once you get there, you still have to get back home.

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Hey there, Pinterest!

Hope I’m not interrupting you from DIY’ing a coach house out of recycled pallets and hand dyed yarn or learning a new braiding technique that is SO EASY.

I just wanted to say thank you for your helpful email today suggesting that I surprise my kids on April Fool’s Day by making a miniature breakfast out of a small quail’s egg and cocktail bread. I was just wondering to myself- what am I going to do with all those bloody quail eggs in my fridge? And of course I have cocktail bread on hand- who doesn’t have that sitting around for impromptu household happy hour?

I’ll just grab that cocktail bread out of my (shockingly well organized and completely labelled with calligraphy and chalk) pantry after I finish icing this rainbow cake which required me to bake and assemble 8 different layers of colored batter- that’s been a super fun 17 hours! My kids may have gone missing while I made this cake but they are really going to love it if I find them!

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There is no other way to understand my futile attempts to get my family out of the house for some designated “fun” activity on the weekend than to imagine what it would be like to herd a bunch of uncooperative, distracted cats who: (a) had meth for breakfast; and (b) think you are the absolute worst for suggesting that they put on pants before going outside (seriously- THE WORST).


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I loved writing when I was younger- elaborate stories with lots of characters and endless adventures- which was a problem- I couldn’t end my stories. It’s not as though they got better the longer they carried on, every story would ultimately devolve into some form of 7 or 8 year old stream of consciousness because I could not reach a conclusion.

Excerpt of my teacher's unsolicited commentary...

Excerpt of my teacher’s unsolicited commentary in my grade 3 journal…

Imagine the journal of an elementary school kid that followed the writing path of Lost seasons 4 to 6? I owe a heartfelt apology to all of the characters I have left stranded in haunted houses, haunted caves, parallel universes and the Hatch because I just couldn’t figure out how to end it or abandoned the story completely when I came up with a better idea.

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